BY RICK EPSTEIN

Raising a child is like a first attempt at brain surgery; by the time you’ve made all the mistakes and you could probably do it right, the job is over.

I’ve been at it for almost 17 years and might possibly offer a few useful suggestions. You see, parenting calls for a tricky blend of honesty, dishonesty, self-restraint, diplomacy, and psychology.  But keep in mind that there are no fancy letters, such as PhD or MSW, after my name.  My studies do entitle me to a BS, but never mind. Anyhow, here’s some free advice: 

1. Never tell a child who is six or younger that dogs used to be disobedient children.  (Note: Some authorities set the limit at age eight.)

2. If a sensitive and nervous child asks you, “What’s an ulcer?” make up something, but don’t tell him the truth.

3. When you see a little kid running with scissors, resist the impulse to grab another pair of scissors and chase him.

4. Just before you barge into Grandma’s house, you’ll notice that your little child has jelly or axle-grease or God-knows-what on his face.  You take out a hanky and moisten it with your saliva for a last-minute scrub-job.  Although it would be more efficient, never ever spit directly onto the child’s face.  Depending on the child, you could do more harm than good.

5. Be careful what you say after your child performs in a school show.  An honest assessment, such as, “Gee, you second-graders sure stunk up the place tonight,” could be inhibiting.  Be enthusiastic.  Present a bouquet and exclaim, “And they say there’s no good music written for Flute-o-phones!” or “These concerts are too darn short!  I don’t know about anyone else, but I could sit back down and see the whole thing over again!”

The rule is: When a stink-bomb goes off on stage, Truth must be the first casualty.

6. When your child is on a soccer or baseball team, remember that YOU are in the stands and the CHILD is on the field.  You had your chance 20 or 30 years ago and yelling at the referee or the other athletes won’t turn back the clock.

Most kids like having their parents there to show support, but truculent, over-involved blowhards should go home and get lives.  (And if they don’t agree with me, they can meet me behind the snack shack for a knuckle sandwich.)

7. If you accidentally kill your child’s pet, never admit it.

I know a guy who was working in his garage and glimpsed a rodent on his workbench.  He snatched up a quart can of motor oil and, as he brought it down on the furry little intruder, he recognized it as Sondra, his kids’ escaped hamster.  Too late.  Sondra was dead.  But her body will never be found, and her killer will carry the secret to his own grave.  (No, it wasn’t me.  It’s just some guy I know.  Honest.  In fact, the hamster wasn’t even named Sondra.  I just used the name of a cute girl who disliked me in high school.  I bet she’s sorry now!)

8. How should you handle kids’ questions about sex?

First of all, make sure the kid asking the questions is one of yours.  When I was 25 and the editor of a small-town newspaper, a young boy used to hang around the office on slow days.  He was sort of a mascot.  One day, at age 12 or so, he asked me, “Rick, do you ever want to STRIP a girl?” Yikes!

I said, “Justin, we can talk about this on one condition: If you tell your parents about our conversation, make ABSOLUTELY SURE to mention who brought up the topic.” Then we went for a stroll around town and I answered all the questions he couldn’t ask his dad.  I hate to say it, but if that happened today, I would back slowly away from him until it was safe to turn and run.  (Also, Justin would be 37 years old, which would make his opening question much scarier.)

But if the questioner is YOUR child, you can’t run away.  Take comfort in knowing that when kids ask about sex, they are like people driving past a bloody wreck. They THINK they want to know more than they actually want to know.  Answer specific questions and don’t elaborate.  Inevitably your child, instead of thanking you, will accuse you of having HAD sex.  Other experts may frown, but I like to deny it.

Rick Epstein can be reached at rickepstein@yahoo.com.  But you can’t tell him much.